Past and Present Sorrow
by tearbos
Summary: When Spencer is seriously injured on the job, his father wants to reconnect. AU from Instincts/Memoriam. Now upgraded to a triple-shot! Chapter 3: William and Spencer clear the air.
1. Lies become truth

**Author's note: This is an expansion of a piece I wrote during my collaboration with mabelreid. If you read that mini-series, the first chapter of this ficlet will be very familiar to you. **

**Warnings for brief, non-graphic mentions of child abuse. Also, spoilers through Instincts & Memoriam if you haven't seen those episodes.  
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**Of course, I own nothing and likely never will!

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"Agent Hotchner?"

Hotch turned to see a tall man with dark brown hair and familiar brown eyes. Though he was expecting to see him, Hotch was still caught off guard by the similarities. _It's almost like looking into a weird, age-progression mirror._

"Mr. Reid," he answered.

"Please, call me William."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that."

William nodded in response. "I can understand that. How is Spencer?"

"He's still in a coma, but the doctors are hopeful. His brain activity is exceptional, of course…" William smiled slightly at that-_a very similar smile._

"I appreciate you calling me, Agent Hotchner. I know that you probably don't think much of me…" he held up a hand to forestall Hotch's protest… "but, I do care about Spencer very much."

"I don't think the feeling is mutual," Hotch interjected bitterly. _I probably shouldn't have said that, but damn it the man needs to hear it!_

"I'm sure it isn't," William confirmed calmly, and the acceptance in his tone surprised Hotch. "That's mostly my doing and I don't blame Spencer at all for being upset. I intended for him to be angry with me." Hotch's brain struggled to find logic behind that statement but none was forthcoming. When William didn't continue, Hotch spoke the first coherent thought that came to mind.

"What do you mean you 'intended for him to be angry'? You hurt him on purpose?" The long-held anger against Reid's father boiled to the surface as he contemplated the heartlessness of a man that could abandon a ten-year-old and an ill wife.

"No, nothing like that; look, would you mind if we go somewhere more private to talk? I'll tell you the whole story." Hotch nodded his agreement, and the two walked in silence through the crowded hospital lobby, down a nearly empty corridor to a vacant waiting room. Hotch shut the door behind them and they sat across from each other on the plush couches. Neither spoke for a few moments until William broke the quiet.

"It started when Spencer was nine…" The miserable tone in his voice caused Hotch to look up and study the man as he spoke. "Diana worried about him a lot. I did too, of course. We both worked a lot at the University, Diana with her professorship, me serving as Dean temporarily. Spencer learned to be independent early, but we still tried to keep a close watch on him. A child genius is big news in town, and in Vegas, well I'll just say we got numerous offers for him ranging from various studies to casino jobs to 'selective procreation'." Hotch felt his jaw drop at the thought. He'd never considered that aspect of Reid's childhood.

"Anyway, when he started high school, he wanted to ride the bus like the others in our neighborhood. Diana was adamant that he shouldn't so we drove him most days, or our next-door neighbor would take him on our early mornings. Then, our duties at work picked up so much that we were relying on Mrs. Jenkins three or four days a week. We decided that wasn't fair to her so we let him ride the bus a few times as a trial, and if things went well then he could ride in the mornings and Diana would pick him up on her lunch break. It seemed to go well so he ended up riding the bus a couple of mornings a week."

William paused for a long moment, and Hotch felt a surge of anxiety build up in his chest. He had a sneaky suspicion that he wouldn't like where this story was going, even though he had no idea which of the terrible things running through his mind was true.

"Then, one morning about three weeks later Diana came to my office, frantic. Spencer's school called her to say that he hadn't come that morning. We knew he wasn't been sick when we left and that he was supposed to ride the bus. We made phone calls to everyone we could think of- friends, neighbors, Mrs. Jenkins. Diana went to the school to make sure he wasn't hiding or stuck in a locker somewhere. That happened a few times before. I went home and canvassed the area between our house and the bus stop. After a few hours, we called the police. Of course, there was no such thing as an "Amber Alert" back then, but the LVPD got on it right away. Spencer was well known so they considered him a 'high risk priority'. The CSU scoured the bus stop, the bus driver went to the station for questioning, and Diana and I were interrogated for several hours apiece. I think they thought we were suspects until the ransom call came in almost two days later." _Oh my god, he was kidnapped! Poor kid, no wonder he has issues. "_By that time, the FBI had arrived and they were monitoring our phones and our house…"

William trailed off, lost in thought. The investigator in Hotch couldn't help but ask for details. "How much was the ransom demand?'

"$500, 000." For the second time that day, Hotch felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. _That much?_

"Did you pay it? How on earth could they expect you to get that much?"

"Diana and I made good salaries from the college, so we had just over half of it between our savings accounts and investments and Spencer's college fund." He gave a small, rueful laugh. "Diana, she didn't want to take the money we'd saved for Spencer. It really bothered her to use it, but I finally convinced her that we had to get him back safely before he could go to college anyway. The rest we got through donations. As soon as people heard, money started coming. The university donated $75,000, as did several other colleges across the state. I'm sure they all had an ulterior motive of getting Spencer to go to their school, but it we appreciated the gesture. The lead agent advised us not to pay, but we gathered the money nearly six days we had enough. The police had no leads, no suspects, nothing. So when they called asking about the money, a sting was arranged. Things got messy but we got him back. The police arrested three men, who gave up the man behind the whole thing. They are all still in jail as of now…"

"What was the motive? Why did they take Reid?"

"It turned out that the bastard had stalked Spencer for almost a year. He had pictures, newspaper articles, clips from local TV, all kinds of sick stuff. Apparently, he saw Spencer competing in the State Spelling Bee the previous school year and he became obsessed. He figured having his own personal genius was his ticket to the good life, or something like that. He just didn't realize how difficult a nine-year-old can be, particularly a terrified nine-year-old prodigy that knows more about absolutely everything than you can ever hope to and is afraid of the dark and has violent nightmares." _So, he's always had nightmares…there's an interesting topic for Dr. Benson._

"After two days, he couldn't handle Spencer anymore and decided to get his money the easy way. I hadn't believed it when the FBI said that whoever had Spencer wouldn't kill him because they had an objective, but they were right I guess."

"When you got him back, how was he?"

"He was traumatized, obviously. He didn't speak for days and he jumped at any sudden movement or loud noise. He cried a lot, which was highly unusual for him." William's eyes took on a dark look, and his voice grew hard. The knot of fear in Hotch's stomach twisted. "I'm sure I don't know all the details of what happened during those days, but I know enough to go to every one of those bastards' parole hearings to make sure they don't see daylight except through a window. He was in the hospital for two weeks. He had a broken arm, bruised ribs, a concussion…and…'signs of abuse'-restraint marks and such. I'm sure you can imagine."

_God, Reid! _Hotch felt nausea rise in his throat and the familiar surge of sympathy for victims and their families washed over him. _I don't know if I could get over something like that happening to Jack. _Suddenly, a thought occurred to him and his anger rose so quickly that he barely had time to control it.

"Wait-you mean to tell me that less than a year later you abandoned a traumatized kid and his sick mother! What kind of man does that?" Hotch stood as he shouted, but he managed to put his fists in his pockets before they met William's face.

"Wait, Agent Hotchner, please hear me out! I didn't want to leave!" That was enough to keep Hotch interested, and he paced the room as he listened. "Spencer actually recovered better than any of us expected. He had extensive therapy, and his counselor was extremely impressed by his reaction. We were pretty close back then, and we talked a lot." _Yeah, so close that you left him! _"He told me about what happened, about the things they made him do, about how he felt. We talked about his nightmares. I guess he was able to process it on some higher level or something; I don't know. He's a tough kid. It was Diana that couldn't cope. That week took its toll on her; she was a nervous wreck. Once we got him back, she went into extreme over-protective mode. She barely let him out of her sight for months. She even wanted to home school him for a while. It drove him, and me, crazy. I understood her feelings but she just couldn't move on. She was seriously hindering Spencer's recovery, which is why we started taking her to doctors to begin with. Her paranoia got progressively worse; she started suspecting everyone for all sorts of things. She blamed me for Spencer's kidnapping, and she carried that anger to unreasonable heights. She got to where she didn't even want me to be around him. Life was miserable for all of us. Even after her diagnosis and medication, she was impossible. Finally, almost a year later, she told me to leave."

"She kicked you out?"

"Yeah. We argued for weeks and I tried everything to convince her to let me stay. My presence seemed to agitate her. The only one that could reach her at all was Spencer, which is why I couldn't take him from her. She refused contact with everyone else, and I know she would have died if he hadn't stayed. I wanted to take him, badly. I certainly didn't want to leave my boy in that position, but I couldn't have his mother slowly kill herself either. I needed Spencer to take care of her, and I didn't want him to resent her for making me leave. It made more sense for me to be the bad guy." William lowered his head and rested it on his hands. "I've asked myself if I made the right choice everyday for 17 years."

The weight of William's words settled heavily on Hotch. He felt enormous empathy for him. He knew all to well what it was like to wonder if you made the right decision for your child. The same question kept him up at night. Tears pricked the back of his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall. He cleared his throat a few times before speaking.

"What did you tell Reid when you left?"

"I let him think I couldn't deal with Diana anymore. I didn't tell him she was forcing me to go; I told him it was my idea. He tried…tried to convince me to stay, quoted statistics on divorced households…" both men smiled slightly at that thought. "I yelled at him. I said that we weren't statistics and I left! Those were the last things I said to my son. What kind of father does that make me?'

"One facing a very difficult decision," Hotch replied honestly. He wasn't sure whom he felt worse for: Reid, for thinking all these years that his father willingly abandoned him, or William, who had to leave his son and wife because of things he couldn't control.

William nodded miserably. "You know, I tried to keep in contact with Spencer for a while. However, if Diana found out she got furious. If I came by the house, she'd yell and threaten to call the police. If I called, she'd hang up on me. I tried to get her to let me talk to Spencer but she wouldn't have it. I even went to Spencer's school to see him but she took me off the approved visitor list. I could have fought her for visitation, but what kind of man takes his mentally ill wife to court? I figured it was better for both of them if I made a clean break. I still helped support her all these years, and between my insurance and her pension, most of her care is paid for. I've followed Spencer's career also. I saw that he joined the FBI, and to be honest it scared me. I thought about calling him then, but I didn't think he'd want to hear from me after all of these years. I figure with his connections, he can look me up when he's ready."

Suddenly William's head flew up, and he looked at Hotch with realization in his expression. "I remember he was abducted a while back! I saw it on the news." When Hotch nodded, he continued. "I called the FBI headquarters and told them who I was. The only thing they said was that they couldn't tell me about an active investigation. I begged, and pleaded, and pulled every string I could, and the best I could get was being allowed to leave a message for the lead agent…" he trailed off and his eyes widened. "That was you, wasn't it?"

Hotch winced internally. He suddenly recalled a message from headquarters about someone claiming to be Reid's father. He'd brushed it off at the time, having other things to worry about. "Yes," he responded guiltily, "it was me. Honestly, I thought it was just another reporter trying to scoop out an exclusive. JJ fought of the press for days, but still a few managed to get through and get some minor details. Things were pretty hectic then, and I just didn't have time to deal with it."

"That's understandable, and I'm not upset with you. I'm glad you were there for Spencer. Actually, an Agent Gideon returned my call a few days later. He didn't tell me much, but he let me know that Spencer was ok and was being cared for. That was true, right? He was ok, is ok? You took good care of him?"

Hotch nodded hesitantly. "He's ok, now, or well, he was before this," he indicated their surroundings. "He did have a rough patch afterwards. Do you know anything about what happened?"

"Nothing other than what was on the news."

"The unsub, suspect, Mr. Hankel had Disassociative Identity Disorder. One of his personalities, Charles, was a religious zealot who wanted to punish people for what he perceived were their 'sins'. He would watch them until they committed some wrongdoing, then he slaughtered them. Tobias, who was the real personality, worked as a tech support operator. He would gain access to their webcams, record the murder, and then post them online as a 'warning'. His third personality was Raphael, an "archangel" who made sure that "God's will" was carried out. He called in the murders to the police just before they happened."

"My god and these are the people-the person-that took Spencer?"

"Yes." He studied the floor near his feet while he spoke. "I sent Reid and JJ out to interview Tobias, who we thought was a witness to some prowling incidents in the area near one of the murders. While they were gone, we received the latest video. The sheriff recognized the dogs that killed the woman as belonging to Tobias. That's when I realized I sent them straight to the killer without backup." Hotch could hardly believe that he was talking so freely about this. Only in therapy had he been so open about that incident. _He does have a right to know the truth though. He should know what role I played in this. _He met William's eyes, and the understanding and sympathy in them surprised him.

"You couldn't have known," William stated softly.

"I know that, logically. It took us over an hour to get out to the farmhouse. By that time, Hankel was long gone with Reid and JJ had shot three killer dogs in the barn. Hankel deliberately kept trying to throw us off the trail. It took us two days to find him, and he gave us most of the clues!" William looked shocked and pleased at that revelation. It reminded Hotch of the pride he'd felt when he realized Reid had given them the vital piece they needed.

"Charles tried to beat Reid into confessing. We saw some of it on videos. When we got there, he had a broken foot, bruised ribs, a major concussion, and had suffered cardiac arrest."

"What! He died?"

"Yeah. Tobias drugged him with Dilaudid to "help him". The drugs combined with the beatings, the stress, low blood sugar, and dehydration caused him to have a seizure. His heart stopped for almost two- minutes…I…we…we thought he was dead…" Hotch closed his eyes and pushed down the sense memory of the panic and despair he'd felt in those minutes. "But, fortunately, Tobias came in and gave him CPR. The hospital said it was just short of miraculous that he survived."

"God, Spencer!" William shook his head in disbelief. "I don't know how that boy survives the things he does."

"Me neither," Hotch agreed. "He struggled for a while. Dilaudid is a form of heroin, and is highly addictive. The kind Reid was given had been cut with a psychedelic so it was even harder to break. It took some time but he finally got past it. I think he reached his year mark a few months ago. He doesn't like to talk about it much, but he knows how proud we all are of him."

"That's incredible. He's incredible." William smiled at Hotch. "You all are really like a family huh?"

"Absolutely," Hotch replied firmly. As he spoke he realized this was the first time he'd ever admitted it to anyone. He had no doubt that the words were true though.

"I'm glad Spencer has people in his life to care about him. He deserves it."

"He certainly does. He's a remarkable young man. You should be proud of him."

"Oh I am. I always knew he'd do something amazing. He has so much potential." A look of fear and anguish crossed William's face as he gazed around the room. "At least, I hope he still has potential," he stated sadly.

"He does," Hotch commented. "I have full confidence that he'll make a spectacular recovery, just like he does everything else."

William smiled at that. Hotch went over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, I'll take you to see him for yourself. Maybe you can tell me more about what it's like to raise a child genius."


	2. Emotional drought

William Reid awoke with a start to the sound of a distant ringing phone. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand and felt his heart skip a beat. 3:15 am. He knew that Aaron wasn't currently working on a case, so the only likely caller at this hour was the hospital with news about Spencer. Bad news he presumed, as nothing had changed for the better when he left at 9 pm. With that realization he shot out of bed and hurried down the hallway to Aaron's room. He didn't pause to knock as he pushed the door open. Aaron was dressing in the dimly lit room while talking on his cell. He glanced briefly up at William as he continued his conversation. When he hung up, he smiled broadly.

"They think Spencer is waking up. A nurse noticed the signs about an hour ago and they've been monitoring him closely. The doctor doesn't know how long this might take, but he thinks I should be there."

"I'm going with you," William replied quickly, as he headed back to the guest room. He hastily threw on yesterday's pair of jeans and a clean dress shirt from his open suitcase. He grabbed his wallet and ran to meet Aaron at the top of the stairs. "Are you ready?" he asked breathlessly.

Aaron nodded, but put out a hand to stop William from taking off. "Just don't forget what we discussed before. I know that you're anxious and so am I, but we have to do this the right way."

"Of course; I know how this has to go. I'll leave when he is actually awake, but I need to be there now. The doctor said it could take hours so I should be fine for a while."

"Ok, then let's go," Aaron responded.

The half-hour drive from Aaron's house to the base hospital took less than 20 with Aaron behind the wheel and William tapping his foot impatiently. The parking lot, the elevator ride, and the jog to Spencer's room passed in a blur. William was both excited and petrified at the prospect of seeing his son awake. The past three weeks he'd spent every day with Spencer, but soon his son would be able to answer his questions-or to tell him to get the hell out. He had no problem admitting to himself that was his biggest fear. As emotionally invested in his son as he was now, a rejection would be tough to handle. _Not that I wouldn't deserve it, _he thought; _he has every right to be angry. I just hope he'll give me a chance. _Dr. Caine's arrival snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Aaron, William, sorry to drag you out of bed so early, but I knew you'd want to be here."

"No, we appreciate it, Dr. Caine. What can you tell us?" William admired Aaron's calm, professional manner and was extremely grateful for it. He wasn't sure he could form a coherent sentence just yet. His heart pounded with adrenalin and his brain whispered incessantly about the possible outcomes of this day. He forced himself to listen patiently as the doctor explained the changes they'd seen and what to expect in the coming hours and days. Waking and recovering from a long-term coma would be a difficult process for Spencer and for them. William didn't care much about those details at the moment-he just wanted to go see Spencer for himself. Dr. Caine apparently noticed his agitation as he finished speaking and motioned for them to enter the ICU room. Though he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, William was mildly disappointed by the lack of visible change. Spencer looked the same as when he'd left. It was certainly nice to see him without the ventilator tubing, which had been removed earlier in the day in hopes of prompting Spencer to awaken. His lungs were holding up well so far, and the physicians were pleased.

William took his usual place at Spencer's bedside and held his son's hand firmly. He watched closely for small movements or sounds that would indicate Spencer's level of consciousness. After a few moments, he noticed the same tiny eye twitches the nurse saw. Spencer's eyelids didn't open, but William could see tracking motions behind them. He felt elated at the improvement, but disheartened at the lack of further signs. He sighed and sat back in his chair. He fixed his eyes on Spencer and settled in for long hours of waiting.

-----

_He lifted his head from the large file he was reading at the sound of his secretary's voice. He looked up at her, surprised and amused at her slightly annoyed tone. It was hardly unusual for her to call him several times to get his attention. She often gave up unless it was something important. "Sorry Jeannine, what is it?"_

_She shook her head and spoke slowly to make sure he understood her. "I __said__, you have a phone call from the FBI. Someone named Aaron Hotchner. He insists that he needs to speak with you immediately."_

"_FBI, huh? I wonder if this is about the Johnson case..." he nodded his thanks to her as he picked up the phone. "William Reid."_

"_Mr. Reid, this is Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. I work in the Behavioral Analysis Unit at the FBI..." there was a brief pause. "I'm your son's, Spencer's, supervisor."_

"_Oh," he couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice. While he knew that Spencer was an FBI agent, and now hearing it in context he knew the name Aaron Hotchner, he was still caught off-guard. "What can I do for you, Agent Hotchner?"_

_Another pause. "I don't need anything, Mr. Reid. I have news for you. There was an incident yesterday afternoon while we were on a raid. Spencer was injured. It was a close call, and he's in a coma right now. He's stable for the moment, but he's still critical."_

_William felt a block of ice settle in his stomach. He'd dreaded something like this since he found out that Spencer joined the FBI, but he never expected to actually get the call. He was amazed that he was even on a contact list. After the initial shock, Agent Hotchner's words sank in: injured, coma, critical. A sudden panic clawed up his chest and into his throat, and he had trouble forcing out his words. "How bad...I mean, is he....what's his prognosis?"_

_A heavy sigh proceeded Agent Hotchner's response. "They're unsure. Right now the coma is drug-induced as they didn't know if he would survive the initial trauma, but it was originally brought on by oxygen deprivation." _Oh my god, what the hell happened? _He was afraid to ask for details. "As his power of attorney and medical contact, I'm in charge of medical decisions concerning Spencer. However, you are technically his next-of-kin and the hospital advised me to contact you. Unfortunately, this was the soonest I could call you and I had to make some immediate decisions without speaking to you first. I hope you understand."_

"_Of course, that's fine. I'm sure you did what was necessary at the time. What would you like me to do?" Not waiting for an answer, William began packing up his files and straightening up his desk. It didn't really matter to him whether Agent Hotchner wanted him there or not-he was going to see his son._

_After a brief moment, Agent Hotchner replied, "I think you should be here. There's a possibility that things could go badly, and as a father myself I'd hate for you to be elsewhere if they do." William swallowed hard. He greatly appreciated the agent's candor, feeling it wasn't something he gave easily. However, it also sent a cold fear through his veins. _If he thinks I need to be there, things must look pretty bad.

"_Absolutely. I'm preparing to leave now. Where are you? My secretary can arrange a flight immediately." He walked to his open door to catch Jeannine's attention. She hurried over as she caught his words._

"_That won't be necessary. Spencer was injured on duty, so I'm authorized to send the Bureau jet to pick you up. I just need your address." _Whoa, talk about perks! _Ordinarily he'd protest and insist on paying his own way, but the gravity of the situation was more important than his pride._

"_Ok, then. I'll need to run home to pack up a bag, then I can go to the airport. The closest is a private one just off the strip."_

"_Why don't I send an agent from the Vegas field office to pick you up at your house? We're in Denver at the University of Colorado Hospital, so it'll take just over an hour for the jet to arrive."_

"_That's fine. I live in Summerland, at 1268 Westin Place. I'll be there in ten minutes and I'll be ready in twenty." He covered the phone long enough to tell Jeannine that he didn't need a flight after all._

"_I'll get in touch with Agent Lawrence in Vegas to arrange transportation. Is it all right for me to give him your number?"_

"_Yes, but give him my cell: 702-654-0782."_

"_Ok, I'll call him and you can expect his call shortly. I need to go now, but I'll meet you at the hospital."_

"_Sure, and, thank you...thank you for calling me Agent Hotchner."_

"_Of course." William barely noticed the dial tone in his ear as he pulled on his suit coat. He grabbed his briefcase and turned off his office light as he hurried out. He paused long enough to inform Jeannine of his trip and give her instructions for handling his affairs while he was gone._

_His drive home, packing his suitcase, and riding with the agent to the airstrip were completely unmemorable to William. He only knew they'd occurred because he remembered arriving at the Bureau jet and having his bag taken to storage. He vaguely recalled staring at the plane in awe and being impressed that this was Spencer's usual mode of travel. After a brief conversation with the agent that picked him up (though he had no idea what was said), he boarded the plane and endured the seemingly endless flight with a heavy heart and frantic mind._

_--------------_

"William?" Aaron's voice interrupted his morbid reverie. He turned toward Aaron as his brain raced back to the present. "I'm going to get some coffee. Do you want some?"

"Oh, sure. Thanks Aaron." William turned his attention back to Spencer to look for anything different. Not unexpectedly, there were no changes. He let out a deep sigh. _Who knew that just waiting would be so exhausting? _The memory he'd just relived played again, and William reflected on his feelings during those panicked minutes. It both surprised and pleased him that his fatherly instincts kicked in so quickly when he heard Spencer's name. During those first moments he'd been certain that Aaron would tell him Spencer had been killed, and the pain from that thought hit him headlong. His initial worry of Spencer's being in law enforcement had gradually faded over the years. He often saw the accolades heaped on Spencer and his team after successful cases; but, he rarely considered the danger anymore unless something dramatic happened to remind him.

"I've been such an idiot," he murmured aloud. He could scarcely believe that he'd wasted so many precious years with his son. Once Spencer turned 18 and had Diana committed (which he shouldn't have had to do alone), there was no reason for William not to contact him other than his own guilt and fear of rejection. _I could have told him the truth years ago. Then maybe he wouldn't hate me and we could actually be family again._ He made a silent promise that he would do everything in his power to fix his relationship with Spencer once he awoke. If Spencer chose not to continue things, that was his choice. William, however, knew with stunning clarity how he wanted things to be from now on. He just had to hope that Spencer could find a way to forgive him and give him a chance to prove himself.

Aaron returned with fresh coffee, and the rich aroma roused his senses. He took a careful sip and sighed contentedly. "This isn't hospital coffee," he teased Aaron quietly.

"No it isn't," Aaron agreed. "I brought it with me from the house and bribed a nurse to make it for me."

William smiled slightly at that. "Well then, I'd say the ordeal of having Spencer moved here from Denver was worth it just to have good coffee." Aaron chuckled softly in response as he sipped his own beverage. "If you don't mind, I think I'll go wander around for a few minutes." William suddenly felt restless and inexplicably anxious. _Maybe the activity will do me some good._

"Sure, no problem," Aaron replied. William eased his chair away from Spencer's bedside and sipped his coffee as he quietly left the room. It struck him as funny that they tried to be quiet when they actually wanted Spencer to wake. He wandered down the now-familiar halls with no particular destination in mind. Along the way he greeted various staff members and patients he'd come to know during the past weeks. Finally, he reached the central garden and decided to take advantage of the remaining daylight. As he paced the small area, his mind wandered back to the last time he was in a hospital with Spencer. Talking about it with Aaron had brought the memories to the forefront of his brain, and now he often felt the pain and worry of those days assaulting him unexpectedly.

It was a cold breeze whispering across his neck that caught his attention. He looked around to realize that the daylight was beginning to fade and the temperature was slowly dropping. A glance at his watch told him he'd been reminiscing for nearly two hours. Though he wasn't concerned about being gone so long- someone would find him if there were any problems, he hated leaving Aaron alone in the room for so long. He knew from experience that the absence of sound other than machinery got to be very irritating after a while. He headed back upstairs at a quicker pace than he'd used before.

As he stepped out of the stairwell on the ICU floor, he immediately noticed a change in the atmosphere. There was a buzz of excitement and a flurry of activity happening all around. He scanned the area as he approached Spencer's room, looking for clues as to what the fuss was about. He rounded the corner and ran into a crowd of staff members gathered in front of Spencer's door. Their whispered conversations and pleased expressions kept him from panicking, but he felt his heart beat increase with anticipation. It wasn't until he reached for the doorknob that he even noticed the imposing nurse blocking the entrance.

"I'm sorry Sir, but you can't go in right now. I have to escort you to the waiting room down the hall."

The words sounded strange to William's ears as his brain attempted to process them. He'd been coming and going as he pleased, so the sudden interference caught him by surprise. _Maybe he's new and doesn't realize who I am?_ "It's ok, I'm William Reid, Spencer's father," he reassured as he reached for his wallet.

"I know Sir," the nurse replied firmly, "but I've been instructed to make sure you don't go in until the doctor gives clearance."

That caught William's attention. "Doctor Caine? What's happened? Is something wrong?"

"Please, Mr. Reid, come with me and I'll let you know the details in the waiting room."

"No, if something is going on with my son I want to know now. Who said that I'm not allowed to go in?"

"Sir it was Dr. Caine and Agent Hotchner that made the decision. I'm just following orders."

The knowledge that Aaron was involved wiped out all of William's anger. If there was anything that he knew for certain, it was that Aaron had Spencer's best interests in mind. If he said that William had to stay away, it was for a good reason.

He nodded silently and allowed the nurse to lead him to the empty room across the hallway and several doors down. Surprisingly, he could still see the entrance to Spencer's room if he sat in the chairs closest to the door. Once he was seated the nurse began speaking.

"First of all, everything is ok. Your son woke up about 20 minutes ago..."

"Spencer's awake?" William interrupted excitedly.

"Yes sir, Dr. Caine is in with him now to do a preliminary evaluation, and I'm sure they'll let you in as soon as he's finished."

"I doubt that," William stated ruefully. "Spencer won't be expecting me, and I'm certain they don't want to shock him this soon after waking up." At the nurse's puzzled expression he continued explaining. "I haven't seen Spencer for years. My presence here is the last one he'll expect."

The nurse nodded his understanding but wisely declined to comment. After a moment of awkward silence, he offered William any assistance he could provide before leaving. William sat quietly in the otherwise desolate room watching the activity in the corridor. Handfuls of nurses carrying various equipment came and went from the room, but more than an hour later neither Dr. Caine nor Aaron had appeared. Just as he decided to risk venturing closer to the action to collect information, Aaron exited and walked toward William's hideout. His body language screamed exhaustion but his eyes were brighter than William had seen them thus far. Instinctively he knew Aaron was bringing good news. A weight lifted from his heart and an excited smile took over his face.

"He's ok," he demanded before Aaron was fully in the small area.

"We think so. Obviously he's still groggy and a bit confused, but he recognized me right away. When I asked if he remembered the case we were on he could recall everything clearly until right before the attack, and he even has a few vague memories afterward. Dr. Caine wants to do more tests over the next couple of days, but so far it seems like he will be just fine." Aaron's voice was fatigued yet filled with an enthusiasm that made William relax even further. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief.

"That's my son, always beating the odds."

"No kidding. The team sometimes jokes about him having nine lives. Sometimes I'm afraid they might be right."

"I hope not; otherwise, he doesn't have many left."

"I know." Aaron sighed deeply and stretched out into the chair beside William. "Dr. Caine thinks we won't get to visit anymore tonight. Spencer was already worn out from when I left and he'll likely be completely exhausted once they are finished with the tests. We may as well go home to rest and come back early tomorrow."

"I don't like the idea of leaving him here alone all night, even if he will be sleeping through most of it. Someone should probably be here just in case."

"Oh, he won't be alone," Aaron assured. "It's Morgan's night to stay and I called him a few minutes ago with an update. He's already on the way, and JJ is going to be here when visiting hours start. They know to call if anything happens."

"Ok then," William agreed. He knew he could trust Aaron's team to take good care of Spencer. _Hell, they've done a better job so far than I ever have._ The men wearily trudged to Aaron's SUV. While it had been a good day, both of them were ready for a break. Maybe they'd even be able to sleep peacefully tonight.

----------

A loud squeal of excitement forced William from his worrisome thoughts. he peered out the doorway of 'his' waiting room to see Penelope hugging JJ, Derek, and Emily, who were gathered outside of Spencer's room. The flamboyant tech carried a bright yellow smiley face balloon and a large bouquet of yellow roses and baby's breath. The women had just arrived for visiting hours, and the five friends stood talking enthusiastically. William could only catch part of the conversation, but he knew they were sharing updates on Spencer's condition.

He felt a pang of envy at seeing their joyful expressions and knowing Spencer would be equally as happy to see them. He held no illusion that such a warm reception awaited him. Aaron had promised to inform Spencer of his presence as soon as he felt it was safe to do so. It was the waiting, however, that was driving William crazy. He didn't even know if Spencer would agree to see him. The selfish part of him wanted Aaron to just find out what his son wanted so that he wouldn't be trapped in this limbo of uncertainty; the rest of him ignored that part. After all, he'd spent nearly two decades caring for his own needs. Now was the time to focus on Spencer and helping him recover as well as possible.

William was so wrapped up in his musing that he didn't realize Derek had entered the room until he sat down across from him. Of all of Spencer's team members, Derek was the least trusting and most resentful toward him. Though the coolness between them had dissolved some over the weeks, William could still feel a mild dislike emanating from the profiler. He'd discussed this with Aaron and determined that Derek's attitude likely stemmed from the fact that his own father died when Derek was ten-the same age Spencer was when William left. It made sense that he would have issues with a man that (somewhat) willingly left his son when Derek's father hadn't been given a choice. It was probable that this unfortunate similarity helped bond Derek and Spencer together as friends, good friends if Aaron's observation skills were accurate. In the short time he'd known Derek, William had noticed his 'protective older brother' feelings toward Spencer, and he'd felt the wrath of Derek's worry and pain over said 'younger brother'. He didn't mind, really; it was good to know that his son was surrounded by people that love and care for him.

He glanced pointedly in Derek's direction. The agent hadn't spoken a word, but he silently fixed his penetrating stare on William. _It's like he's trying to get inside my head. Maybe he is; he's a profiler, that's what they do!_

William took the initiative to open up conversation. "How is he doing?"

Derek continued staring for several seconds before replying. "He's good, better than expected actually. He is still really tired and he was disoriented when he first woke up, but so far everything looks good. Dr. Caine is letting us visit for a short time to see how he handles it."

"That's great."

The awkward silence returned and only the ticking of the clock could be heard.

"You know that I'm not here to hurt him?" William's statement sounded more like a question that he wanted.

After a short pause Derek answered carefully, "I believe that you don't intend to hurt him, but I'm not sure that you can avoid doing it."

"I'm sure you're right," William responded bitterly. "I've been hurting him for a long time without ever meaning to." He let out a humorless laugh. "Funny thing is I was trying to make things easier for him and instead I made a mess of everything. I do love him, you know. I always have."

"I believe that. I don't think that he knows it."

"No, I'd think not. I want him to realize that though, even if he doesn't want anything to do with me after this. I just want him to know that I never stopped caring about him."

Derek nodded slowly. "That's what I needed to hear." He stood to leave and William called out to stop him.

"Thank you," he said when Derek turned to face him again.

"For what?"

"For being such a good friend to him."

"You don't have to thank me for that," Derek replied with a small grin as he left William alone with his thoughts once again.

------

It was late afternoon when Aaron emerged from Spencer's room. Spencer had been awake for over 24 hours now, and William had spent many of them watching doctors, nurses, and agents come and go from visiting and checking on him. Occasionally one would stop in to say hi to William and give him a brief update. Aaron's appearance in the waiting room meant that he could finally get a good idea of what was happening overall. The look of concern on Aaron's face, however, didn't shake William from the melancholy mood he'd been trapped in for hours.

"What's going on," he asked hesitantly?

Aaron sighed heavily and sat next to William. "I've spoken with Spencer and he's agreed to speak with you. I'm not certain that it's a good idea yet, however Dr. Caine feels that it will be ok as long as he doesn't get too upset..."

"I don't want to upset him, Aaron, I just want to see him."

"I realize that, but what you don't understand is that just my telling him that you are here made him anxious."

"I won't stay long and I won't bring up any issues."

"He likely will, though. He's had nearly 20 years to build up anger and resentment; and knowing Spencer like I do, he won't let you off too easily. Just be sincere because he'll know if you're lying and that'll make things worse. And please, try to stay calm no matter what happens and that should help keep him somewhat calm too."

William shook his head ruefully. "It's kind of pathetic that you have to give me instructions to deal with my own son. You know him so much better than I do."

Aaron gave him a hard look. "We've been over this before, and I'm not going to aide you in your self-pity. If you want to make things right you have to take the hits. I'm just trying to help you stand a chance. I know from experience that it isn't easy to confront an angry genius."

Both men smiled at that thought. "If that's the case then I'm almost glad that I missed the teen years."

"Don't worry; he still has some of the attitude left and I'm sure he reserved some just for you."

"Thanks," William grumbled lightly as he stood to leave. "Wish me luck?"

He received a smirk of encouragement. "You'll be fine."


	3. One step closer

William took a deep breath and closed his eyes for several seconds before easing open the door to Spencer's room. He immediately caught sight o f the object of his concern propped upright against the headboard. Spencer didn't look up from the papers spread across his lap. It surprised him that Aaron and Dr. Gregory would allow Spencer to work so soon after awakening, but as he carefully stepped closer he recognized the documents as Spencer's own medical chart. Before he had time to really contemplate the discovery, Spencer spoke without taking his eyes from the page he was reading. "I wanted to see what treatment they were using while I was out. I've read that huge advancements are being made in the methods for caring for coma patients."

He paused just briefly enough to let the words sink in but not long enough for William to respond. "What took you so long," he asked causally, the nonchalant tone catching William off-guard?

"I, uh, was just..." he trailed off helplessly, uncharacteristically lost for words as he was unsure how to admit that he was afraid.

"Hotch told me you were across the hall. I thought you'd be here sooner so you could get this over with and leave."

"Spencer I..."

"After all, leaving is what you excel at so all of this waiting around must have been difficult for you," Spencer interrupted in the same apathetic voice.

"Please Spencer I..."

"Unless of course you were just hanging around in case they needed you to pull the plug on me. One less complication in your life right?"

"Spencer!" Finally his son lifted his head and met William's eyes.

"Too far?" His voice was innocence tinged with bitterness and sarcasm. Spencer blinked questioningly at William while continuing to give his icy yet indifferent stare. Tense silence filled the room and suddenly William's loosely knotted tie felt suffocating. He sat mutely in the chair furthest from the bed, unable to gather himself together enough to break the quiet. All of the thoughts, explanations, and apologies he'd planned were scattered into random ideas in his chaotic mind that he couldn't even begin to articulate.

Spencer finally cracked the ice by asking pointedly, "So, you wanted to see me? Did you actually plan to talk or did you just need to know that I'm still alive. Because if that is the case then you're free to leave as I am obviously fine."

The harsh words broke through the fog clouding William's brain as he realized he was quickly losing what was likely to be his only chance to mend things with Spencer. Pulling courage from some deep reserve, he took a long breath and spoke as calmly as possible.

"Spencer I just need to tell you a few things, and all I ask is that you hear me out. I'm not expecting you to forgive me or have any further contact with me if you don't wish too, but there are some things I need you to understand."

"I'm listening." The reply was cold and disinterested; it took all of William's remaining nerve to continue despite the (well-deserved) hostile attitude.

"First of all I want you to know that I love you..." Spencer snorted derisively but William ignored the gesture. "I always have loved you and I always will. I know you don't realize that now but it is the truth." Disbelief showed plainly on Spencer's face but he didn't interrupt. "Also, you have to know that I didn't want to leave you or your mother, but I didn't have a choice."

Spencer rolled his eyes and sighed dismissively. "Yeah, ok, whatever excuse you want to use, dad."

"No, really, it is the honest truth..."

"Truth huh? Ok then, dad, why don't you explain it to me? Tell me why you 'had' to leave me alone to care for mom when I was hardly able to care for myself." Spencer's voice didn't rise in volume but it was laced with pain and barely contained fury. William swallowed the lump in his throat and pressed on.

"Diana-your mother-wanted me to leave." Spencer's eyebrows shot up in shock and William knew he was swiftly running out of time. "I tried everything I could think of to convince her, I really did. She wouldn't have it, though, and she forced me out."

"She was ill! She could hardly keep a grip on her own sanity and you let her make that kind of decision? People typically can't be 'forced' into doing something that the subconsciously don't already want to do."

"It wasn't like that, Spencer. You're right that she couldn't be reasoned with. We fought constantly even though we tried our best to keep it from you. She called the police on me three time when I told her I wouldn't leave. She changed the locks while I was at work and refused to let me in. I spent two nights in a hotel before I convinced her to let me in to pick up my things. She realized I tricked her just to get home and that was the third time she tried to have me arrested. It wasn't healthy for her to be so upset all the time, nor was it healthy for you to be in that environment. You had already been through so much..." William paused to fight back tears as memories of that terrible period threatened to surface again. He saw a tiny flash of pain cross Spencer's features and he hurried on past the subject.

"I didn't want you to have to deal with our problems too. I wanted to take you with me, even begged your mom to let you come but she refused at first. She didn't trust me to care for you anymore; she said that what happened was my...my fault and that she was the only one that could look after you properly. I could agree with her on that but that wasn't why I decided not to bring you with me, even after she changed her mind and decided you should go."

"Yeah, that much I remember," Spencer retorted. "Neither of you wanted the burden of dealing with me and my issues I'd imagine."

"That's not true Spencer! Neither of us ever felt that you were a burden to us. We both love you more than you can possibly realize. Were you a challenge at time, yes, but all children are in one way or another. We considered it a privilege to raise you and I regret every day that I didn't live up to my responsibility. You deserve so much better than what you got and I'm so sorry for that."

Spencer's expression had softened by the tiniest fraction during William's impassioned speech and he seemed to be considering the words carefully. Silence stretched between them again as he gave Spencer time to process. Eventually he met William's eyes again and spoke softly.

"Is that all?"

William was totally unprepared for that response, and he was unsure as to the meaning behind the inquiry. "Is what all?" He asked hesitantly. It was nearly impossible to determine what leaps of logic Spencer's mind could have made during the conversation.

"You said there were things you needed me to know. I just wanted to be sure that you were finished before I reach any conclusions."

"I think those were the most important things. Obviously we still have a lot to resolve between us but whether or not that happens is entirely up to you. I just couldn't leave here without telling you what I just said."

Spencer nodded slightly and replied succinctly, "Ok, then."

"What does that mean?" He wondered the thought aloud before he even realized he'd verbalized it.

"I mean, ok. That's good enough for now. All I ever really wanted was a satisfactory explanation and you provided that. Like you said there are still issues that need to be addressed-such as why you couldn't keep in touch or why you waited until something like this happened to contact me- but those don't have to be dealt with today. I'm not sure I can handle anymore right now anyway."

William noted that Spencer seemed exhausted now that his simmering anger was mostly gone. He sincerely hoped he hadn't stressed him too much so soon into his recovery. "Are you feeling ok?"

Spencer nodded wearily. "Yeah. Tired and overwhelmed but not too bad. This is all a little much to cope with." He indicated the file in his lap and William himself.

"I'm sure it is. I didn't want to upset you or overload you, but I was so thrilled when Aaron told me you would see me that I couldn't pass up the opportunity. "

Spencer raised an eyebrow and gave a small smirk. "Aaron, huh? Since when did you get so friendly with my boss?"

"Well, you weren't the most engaging company for a while so I had to talk to someone."

"Ah. I'll have to warn him to choose his associates more carefully in the future."

"It's too late," William replied. "He's already been telling me all about you!"

"Oh, I guess I'll have to return the favor to him one day then." They shared a smile.

"I'd like that."

"Me too."

This time the silence was companionable, and William knew they finally had a chance to start over. "Well, I better go. You need to rest and I think your friends are still hovering around outside to see if they need to intervene."

"Probably," Spencer agreed with a laugh.

As William headed to the door, Spencer's voice stopped him. "Dad, thanks for coming."

He fought back a tear. "Thank you for letting me."


End file.
